Your Girlfriend's Picture Scares Me Like Ann Coulter Scares Us All

One of the weirder things that happens is when your ex's friends facebook you in current time. "Friends" qua friends might, to some, imply we actually know each other. Or, per se, that when we met, that one night where you were so gracefully spewing insults and Miller High Life in tune to an ACC basketball game, I actually might have thught, gee, you're charming. Or maybe even we might recognize each other on the street. Lacking these things, and also noting a dearth of certifiable basis to reject said friending, I bring my complaint to Chris Hughes and other useful youth scions of the digisphere, as it were:

There should be a new set of "How do you know this person?" options.

I suggest:
- I met this person at an east village bar I will always claim I've never been and you cannot prove otherwise because I spilled beer on the only camera that might prove it.
- I met __________ through an Former I despise and for whose incineration or sudden disappearance I wish for daily.
- By association I do/do not hope for ____________'s incineration/sudden disappearance.
- I really don't know ___________ at all, nor do I care to, but I do hope ___________ passes along to our ________ mutual aquaintance _____ that his girlfriend's facebook picture absolutely terrifies me. And I'm glad I'm not prone to facebook stalking. I'm not. It's just those bright colors and animal stripes cannot be hidden.

In the wealth of things that cannot be hidden, high in the rankings is one Ann Coulter, who for very obvious reasons cannot seem to find herself a nice, conservative mate because NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE can handle the idea of actually waking up next to that. Or worse, under?

At the Republican shindigs this weekend, Coultermort said:
“I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards."
Oh yeah, she's so classy. I just love it when people listen to such smart people!!!

Sadly, the showing from the left was equally revolting.
Was anyone else besides me completely revolted by Obama and Hillary down in Selma? Who's the bigger black person, huh huh huh??? One's got the locals in the church and talking about the success of civil rights and how it's opened up the door for even her to run for president, and the other one's downtown talking about the Joshua Generation to a bunch of outertowners who wouldn't even know which way is UP at the local market!!!! A market that, by the way, doesn't take credit card or anything, but does take food stamps. Selma, Al is dirt poor, y'all. Civil Rights my left elbow. These two idiots essentially just pointed out, dressed in their Chanel and Armani best, that civil rights are what led their middle and upper class selves to private jets and posh parties in Washington while the people who actually marched in Selma on March 7, 1965, continue to live in abject poverty with absolutely no consolable hope out. Why aren't they talking to these people about social service? School accreditation? EMPLOYMENT, HEALTH CARE, JOB TRAINING, LOGGING (yeah, there's a big bad word for congress, I don't care what side you're on) and exactly how, when the parties in Washington are silly giddy selling off every possible acre of Black Belt (an agricultural term, y'all, it has to do with the ground) Alabama to the highest paper plant bidder around, they intend for the rural agrarian South to make any sort of living at all! And I hate to point out the obvious, you know, as the last two rainy elections did, but if you can't make any money, you can't afford to skip what little work you do get to go vote, or, more aptly, even have any transportational means of getting to that vote so it really doesn't matter who the bigger black person is, does it.

Despite my rantings, life is great. : )

Duck and I had the nicest, nicest, nicest trip to the shore this weekend, and I saw the beach and calmed down. Baby Brother hasn't yet decided to arrive, but I bought some cute new onesies for him when he does and am closer to done with his painting. : ) Yipppeeeeeeey

Three Delightful Things:

(1) For Thought
While We Wait for Spring
Todd Davis

The last three days snow has fallen.
No thaw this year, no day even above
twenty since the end of December.
Climbing the hill, my two boys slip, fall,
stand again. They complain, but there's nothing
to be done except to make it to the top
where above the trees we will look down
upon the river. Near the peak a barred owl
releases from the limb of a burr oak, sweeps
over our heads and out above the tree line.
Our eyes follow its flight to the river ice,
current moving beneath its blue surface.
Like the owl, our breath rises, drifts
toward something warmer, something better.

(2) For Laughs
How To Win Arguements, As It Were
by DAVE BARRY

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:


Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.


Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: ``I think Peruvians are underpaid.'' Say: ``The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.''


NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: ``This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?'' Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say ``You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.''


Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as ``Q.E.D.,'' ``e.g.,'' and ``i.e.'' These are all short for ``I speak Latin, and you do not.''

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: ``Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money.''

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: ``Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.''

Only a fool would challenge that statement.


Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:


You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what ``parameters'' means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:


You say: ``As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...''
Your opponent says: ``Lincoln died in 1865.''
You say: ``You're begging the question.''

OR

You say: ``Liberians, like most Asians...''
Your opponent says: ``Liberia is in Africa.''
You say: ``You're being defensive.''

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: ``That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say'' or ``You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.''


So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull this on people who generally carry weapons.

(C) THE MIAMI HERALD


(3) For Tummies

This is the recipe I made last week for CJ's 23rd Birthday.... ohhhhh my tummy. So good. Although, I think next time I might substitute Fluff for Cream Cheese... although the CC frosting certainly cuts the sweetness. Also, I made the caramel sauce from scratch (brown sugar, evaporated milk, salt, water, and a watchful eye), which makes a huge difference. I think next time, though, I'm going to do this over brownies instead of cake.

Serves: 20
Preparation Time: 5 to 7 minutes
Baking Time: 35 to 38 minutes
Assembly Time: 10 minutes

Cake

Vegetable oil spray for misting the pan
1 package (18.25 ounces) plain devil's food cake mix
1 1/3 cups water
1/2 cup vegetable oil, such as canola, corn, safflower, soybean, or sunflower
3 large eggs

Topping

1 jar (8 ounces) caramel topping
1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk
4 Butterfinger candy bars (2.1 ounces each), crushed
1 container (12 ounces) frozen whipped topping, thawed
1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, at room temperature

1. Place a rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly mist a 13- by 9-inch baking pan with vegetable oil spray. Set the pan aside.

2. Place the cake mix, water, oil, and eggs in a large mixing bowl. Blend with an electric mixer on low speed for 1 minute. Stop the machine and scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula. Increase the mixer speed to medium and beat 2 minutes more, scraping the sides down again if needed. The batter should look thick and well blended. Pour the batter into the prepared pan, smoothing out the top with the rubber spatula. Place the pan in the oven.

3. Bake the cake until it springs back when lightly pressed with your finger and just starts to pull away from the sides of the pan, 35 to 38 minutes. Remove the pan from the oven and place it on a wire rack. Immediately poke holes in the top of the cake with a drinking straw or chopstick.

4. Prepare the topping. Place the caramel topping and sweetened condensed milk in a small bowl and stir to combine. Spoon this mixture over the warm cake so that it can seep down into the holes. Measure out half of the crushed candy bars and sprinkle the pieces over the cake.

5. Place the whipped topping and cream cheese in a large mixing bowl and blend with an electric mixer on low speed until smooth and combined, 1 minute. Spread the mixture over the top of the candy. Sprinkle the remaining candy pieces on top.

6. Place the pan, uncovered, in the refrigerator to chill the cake for about 20 minutes before cutting it into squares and serving.